There is, tragically, something to be said for not being saved, not knowing how depraved we are, how lost this world is. There was a time when I did not know how lost I was. Of course then I wasn't too deep into life to really push the issue. I was saved at 12. How many bad 12 years old do you think really are out there? Not many if we're honest.
Now as I am older, hopefully wiser, and most definitely more appreciative of what my salvation truly costs I am wrestling with the ever so subtle mind warping realization that my ongoing struggles in this Christian walk of mine are not just old habits that won't die, that I won't let go of. My struggles are constantly and consistently perpetuated by me. It's not just the old me that keeps bringing up crap. It's the very body that I woke up with this morning that is against me...against the Christian in me. There is a constant battle within. I guess somewhere I figured that once I knew me, the real me that I, being smart and all, could disarm, counteract, diffuse my sinful nature...(okay!) Natures. (There.)
Romans 7:19. Sin lives within me. It always has and as far I can tell it always will - such is being human. The goal is to live and act with the intent of being righteous so as to crowd out the sinful parts/thoughts etc. Not being perfect makes this an uphill battle. Trying to fight this uphill battle on my own is typical and it is also typically stubborn and very stupid.
I know the thrills of returning to my proverbial vomit as the dog does in Proverbs 26:11. Doing bad stuff doesn't sneak up on me. I see it coming. Sometimes I search it out. I use to think that made me weak, pathetic, and loathsome. It doesn't. It makes me human. It makes me of the flesh. It, my returning to bad habits, makes me aware that I have been saved and my life here will be worth the journey not easy and carefree. Easy and carefree costs nothing and getting something for nothing is boring and empty...when you get right down to it.
Do I enjoy my bad habits? Yes. Do I want to enjoy them? No. But we have to remember that when I say "I" that more than one nature is represented by the term "I". A habit cannot become a habit unless there is a payoff of some sort. Drugs. Lying. Porn. Poor health. Excellent health. Drinking. Going to Church. Sleeping in late through services. Sobriety. Living Clean. Cussing, etc.
No habits are formed unless there is a payoff.
The trade off for the payoff - sooner or later - is the guilt, the desire for repentance, the remorse.
Even lost souls feel this. Saved sinners feel it all the more. But saved or not saved the Truth, the Gospel is at the center of those pre-regrets, post regrets...all regrets for our lack of self-control, our running head long back into the perceived warmth of our good ole friend "the vice".
A pre-regret is me knowing that I will do whatever is that I know the saved "I" doesn't want to do anymore and be embarrassed, mad at myself, and bewildered at why I made a place for the sinful crap in my very mind, heart, and soul before it actually takes place. I even know my own tricks that I play on myself. The small quiet voice in the center of me...I hear it all the time, thank God.
Maybe it's a matter of time. I didn't get these strong bad habits over night so I certainly cannot expect to successfully reduce them over night either. Maybe it's a matter of faith and trust. Which you can't have Trust without Faith...or is that...either way the Faith/Trust conversation is for another time.
Maybe it's about me getting to know what repentance really is. I mean God knows me so He knows what is going on yet He chooses to love me through everything. The concept that sin is kept in my life to keep me searching and looking toward God struck me a few weeks ago. Interesting. The struggles are endless and tough. But the end of the journey is where the answers will be known and all things that were kept secret and hidden will be revealed. THERE is a mind blowing idea right there!
What does all this mean? I do not know. If I did know then I probably would not have written it to begin with. This Blog thing is a soundboard, brainstorming, R&D proto-type type thingy.